So 2019 has been and gone and we are now in 2020, and I so horridly heard on the radio this morning that we are currently just as close to 1990 as we are to 2050. This post, I suppose, is meant to be one of self-reflection for me and what I’ve seen and done and achieved in 2019 and what I hope to see/ do/ achieve in 2020.

My 2019 resolutions consisted of things to do, along with an amount, for instance: to play the ukulele every week or to blog every month. Some of these resolutions were met, even exceeded, like blogging which I have done more than once a month. Others just never really happened at all, like reading where I think I probably read maybe 2 books last year.

As I look back at my 2019 resolutions I realise they were aimed to get back into doing things I used to do and hobbies that I used to love. But I feel in 2019 they were never achieved because I’ve changed, or because things have changed, or because what I thought I would want to do at the start of the year no longer applied by the middle of the year. What I’ve come to realise in 2019, after starting my gratitude journal and my daily and monthly reflections, is that everything is constantly changing and moving so why set goals like a checklist at the start of the year? I think my resolution for 2020 is just to do more and to see more, and that is very purposefully as flexible as that is cryptic.

I realise that in 2019 so much else has happened that wasn’t on that resolutions list: I have been to the most networking events in my whole working life in one year; I have been to so many museums and exhibitions learning new or re-learning old things; I have visited and fell in love with new places and new cities (Guernsey and Amsterdam are wonderful places); I have seen plays and musicals that I never thought would affect me in the way they did (The Waitress is simply amazing); I have lost contact with some friends; I have reconnected with other friends; I have made entirely new friends; I have realised addiction in others, as well as myself (social media with Instagram being my kryptonite); I have learnt so much about others and my own mental health. Most of all: I have grown.

Ironically, those who know me will laugh, stating that I have not physically grown in many years. But career-wise I have grown: though I still feel like an imposter sometimes, as I don’t always know what I’m doing, but trying is winning. Relationship-wise I have grown: ever more I can take a step back and realise and stop myself from doing or saying something out of pure impulsive reaction and do or say something more diplomatic instead. Mental health-wise I have grown: I am trying to acknowledge intrusive thoughts and feelings and wave as they pass me by instead of allowing the thought or feeling to completely consume me.

Though, we are human. I have come a long way but feel there is so much more to do and learn. 2019 has taught me that humans are flawed, that toxic relationships exist, even with those you thought never could or never should, yet they do exist. I’ve learnt that I can either live with it and just go through it, or to do something about it to get over it. I have purposefully tried to change how I react to people or situations to better my own mental health and I will aim in 2020 to assist others in doing so too.

The saying goes: “new year, new me“. But I don’t want a new me in 2020. I want the same me as at the end of 2019, how I am today, realising ever more hopes and ever more dreams, continuously trying to better myself and only to compare myself with my past self and against no other. I’ve realised in 2019 that everyone has their own threshold, be it physical pain or mental health capacity, and that we shouldn’t judge others as we do not know what they are truly going through. Everyone is running their own race. And being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect; it just means that you have decided to look beyond the imperfections. In January I plan to Marie Kondo my flat, and in 2020 I plan to Marie Kondo my life.